self-compassion is the only gateway to your healing

everyone’s running around with such fear about being the next person to be wrong. where the spotlight and target, the bright lights of shame and guilt will be upon them.

does anyone look flattering in the bright lights of the examination room? collective eyes focus in on one person and create unnatural scrutiny. people blinking and freezing inside of that energy. trapped like animals in the headlights.


and then you judge yourselves for what you do in the states when you are frozen, a million times you deny your animal nature, your tender bodies, judging your judgement instead of turning your eyes on compassion for yourself.

what if

what if

everything you did. even when you are wrong. could be met with your words to yourself of:

i love you. i see how you try. i see what you tried to do. i see your motives. i see your animal nature. i see you. i love you.

self-compassion is your way into transformation.

instead, when you find that you had wrong doing, you either try to avert the blame to avoid the crushing weight of your displaced self hatred, or you take all of it into yourself.

when we say that compassion is the antidote to all, we mean it.

if you were truly compassionate towards yourself, would you ever have to defend yourself? if you were truly compassionate with yourself, would you ever have to be filled with such shame for making a mistake, from coming from a place of your conditioning, your trauma, or your outgrown human nature?

no.

but the part of you that is young, that has your baby fist raised, that holds the red flag in your hand, the flag of war, the flag that screams for revolution, says: ‘we do not have time for compassion’.

and we — we are your elders, this land, the ones who have been through this revolution and this iteration before, again and again, we who see your patterns and repetition with the clear perspective of eons, with the same perspective of the life forms you’d study in a lab — we say:

you do not have time to NOT lead with compassion. without compassion for yourselves and each other there is no transformation, only repetition. in your hurry, in your anger, in your immense grief about what you have done to your world + to each other — the climate. rape. white supremacy. subjugation. enslavement. all manner of horror— you say:

"there is no time for compassion. there is no space. i am a monster. we are monsters. compassion is tantamount to acceptance and this is not acceptable.”

and we say:

to see yourselves as only monsters is to not see yourself fully. to see yourselves with compassion is to have a complete picture. compassion is not an excuse. compassion is not a pass at being in a place of recognition of harm, of amends, of change. compassion, rather, is the embodiment of all these things. the way forward through these things.

self-hatred cannot be the foundation of transformation.

how can you be motivated to transform if you do it from a place of hating yourselves? from a place of believing that you are worthless? what, then, are you working towards? zero times anything is zero.

compassion is having the love for yourself in the space of your accountability. it is the ability to say - nobody else has this information about me, but i do. i can trace back the places of my wound-edness, of my transgression, as a person and as a collective, and i can see where they occurred. i do not use this tracing as an excuse but as an entry point to understanding myself. not under the bright lights of the examination table but under the pathways of my soul, of humanity and human nature.

take your binoculars. peer back, with your feeling and your senses, the river that runs through your body. follow it to the source. find the spring, find the lake, find the water source. and see. without your eyes of hatred, see the influences here. you have the ability to do this. peel back the layers and see with the eyes of the witness all that has led up to this.

you do not need to prostrate at any altar. you do not need to beg. those gods have left, and you can choose to worship in a way that is not so punitive.

do not flagellate yourself. physically, emotionally. for the wounds you’ve inflicted on yourself or others-- an eye for an eye.

instead. trace back the pathways. understand the origin point. meet with softness so it does not retract. let yourself see. only by seeing will you be able to really understand. will you be able to really change the course. not through a rejection of all that you are, but through an understanding of all that has led you + those before you to this point. with compassion.

this message was channelled by me on 6/25/19 @ mount tabor park. gratitude and acknowledgment to the chinook peoples on whose ancestral lands this was channelled ❤️


learning reiki can be a gateway into your energetic sensitivity

when I started my foray into the world of magic and energy work, reiki was the doorway. i learned it on a whim from my partner at the time’s father, not having any idea what it would lead to. not thinking that it would lead to anything, really. 

what happened when i learned reiki was that a switch was flipped. energy healing, crystals, psychics, and earth magic were all things that it was cool for other people to believe in, but i secretly judged them. learning reiki showed me that these things were real. that energy was real, and that i could feel it.

I’ll never forget the experience after I took my first reiki class of hugging the other person I learned with, giving reiki to each other, and feeling the energy moving back and forth between us. I was in thrill, awe and gratitude that i was feeling energy that way, which continued to unfold in the weeks following as i realized i was sensitive to so much of the world around me. it was like i had found new, energetic fingertips.

learning reiki is an initiation and an invitation. an initiation into the world of unseen sensitivity, and an invitation to feel yourself and your own energy in a deeper way.

My learning reiki was a part of a huge psychic and spiritual awakening. (which also coincided with the beginning of my work with my teacher, Shayne Case). I continue to love and to teach reiki because it is the foundation of all my work, a powerful, beautiful entry point into healing, into our energy bodies, and into the unseen. i LOVE gently leading folks deeper into their own sensitivities with this tool.

Join me for Reiki Level 1 workshop on Saturday, June 8th in SE Portland! Cost is $180 with sliding scale and payment plan options, and all the details are on my website, link in my bio. Come play! Come learn! Come heal! All class details and sign up info are here.

the sound of your breath is calling you home

your breath is patterning the song of your soul, calling you back into yourself. ⠀

did you know that this sound is like a fingerprint, unique only to you? each breath lovingly tracing the hairs inside your nose, the pathways inside of your lungs, the width of your throat, the shape of your nostrils. an exact sound that only the instrument of your body can make.

listen to the softness, sharpness of your inhale, exhale. each microsecond of your breath knows you, a song that you’ve sung billions of times.

homing beacon, bird call, it will welcome you back into yourself.

if you feel lost,
unable to find yourself in the forest of your mind and thoughts,
listen slowly, intentionally, to the sound of your own breath.
this sound was put there, inside of you, by the gods themselves as a reminder, a shortcut.


a precious compass
inviting you to make love with the minutia of your own airways
and remember who you are.

truth does not need our confirmation or approval; it just is / surrender part 2:

All humans are inclined towards healing. As in, when we request it, the process begins to unravel the things that do not align, like water flowing down to the lowest point. It is force, like gravity. An energy that we invite with flipping the switch of willingness.

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So. How do we surrender? Allowing ourselves, contradictions, constructions, identities, beliefs, stories, to be undone. We say:

"Anything that is true will be there and will remain without my needing to hold it". Anything that we need to hold – any story, any identity, any dogma, and belief — can still be true without our needing to energetically hold it. Without our energy being tied up and holding it, without our clinging to it.

Because truth does not need our approval or confirmation. It just is.

Surrender is a constant practice, one that maybe we can understand by looking at a waterfall. Every second of it is surrendering, every second the water is letting go and falling down to the earth underneath. Not holding. Not containing. in a constant process of allowing.

To practice allowing, we practice finding the spaces inside of ourselves that are holding, like dams holding water or shapes. And we say "do I need this? Is this an obstruction?" And we breathe. And experiment with what will happen when we allow the forces of that water to do what is in its nature to do, which is to break through the dam. To flow forth, to carve a new path, to flow to the lowest point.
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this is part 2 of a series on surrender that I channelled from earth energies in December. Part one is on my feed! post from 12/4. Transmission Tuesday is a weekly feature in which I channel loving messages from spirit guides and earth energies, and share with you all!

HOW DO WE SURRENDER (PT 1)

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we tell ourselves: “you have 360° of permission to be exactly as you are.” we swaddle ourselves with loving blankets, give ourselves wide perimeters, and adorn ourselves with eyeglasses of complete love and willingness to accept the expression of our truest natures, exactly as a parent would do to the littlest child.

we listen to and observe ourselves without judgment, objectively. Knowing that We Can Only Ever Begin From Exactly Where We Are, knowing that the only platform for moving forward is true honesty with ourselves, true willingness to see us and our feelings exactly as we are in this moment.

we build and cultivate compassion for ourselves. why are we X, Y, and Z? We look at the world that shaped us. The families that shaped us, structures, systems, our experiences that shaped us. we hold all of that in compassion and acceptance, knowing that it is always OK for us to extend compassion to ourselves. that this is always a starting point and is never wrong.


within that, we affirm our own innate goodness. no matter who we are. we look to nature, the land, the trees, the infinite — these beings who only care to hear from us “I am ready to be held by you”. and we do our best to accept their unconditional love and acceptance, even though it is hard and terrifying and so energetically different from what we are used to receiving. every day, we work to accept that unconditional love can be and is true.

we can trust when we rest into the arms of this love that the healing of all beings is interconnected. when any of us is engaged in behavior that harms others, we are harming ourselves, too. infinite wisdom / nature / goddess / spirit / source knows this. and holds healing for all as the trajectory of our growth.

transformation = death = surrender :::

Let’s talk about death. Transformation.  you want to shed some layers and you aren’t quite sure how to do it. You see the snake and how it lets go, pushing off all that skin, transformed, renewed. this process is called following biology, this process is called surrender. 


Even in asking “what must I do to transform”, you are asking as though you have something to orchestrate. But you don’t. Transformation is not a process that you get to control. You push the button that says “I am willing to surrender to becoming that which is encoded inside of me" and then you let yourself be pulled into the shape it is now time to become. 


You don’t get to direct this process. Yes, your will and your desires are important to use and to recognize, and are indications of where your soul and spirit need and want to grow. You can write all of these wishes onto the cosmic order form, but at the end of the day you are not the one who is pulling the strings. You can’t ask for transformation and then try to manage it your self.


This process is inherently rooted in the energy of death. and death is the energy of ultimate surrender.


You say “spirit. God. Gods. I am ready." You can lay your body down for the buzzards to eat, for the earth to take in compost, trusting that these workers – the ones that we associate with the shadows, the ones who scare us-- have a job to do. That job is to collaborate with you in your transformation.


You are here on this earth to learn about surrender. All other lessons are contained inside of this. Surrendering to your true nature. Surrendering to your transformation. The process is messy. Saying "I am going to allow that which is inside of me - that which constructs the fabric of my soul - to be manifested here". And knowing that inside of the surrender there is an inherent a lack of control.   


What is required and asked of you is your willingness to be made. your willingness to be the truth of who you are. 

a love note from cedar ::: TRANSMISSION TUESDAY

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Feel these fronds falling over your skin and the feet, brushing you down with love and comfort. We want for you to give it to us – your troubles. we see what you carry. The weight on your shoulders and back, with compassion, we can feel it too. how you carry it and how you feel like a mule or an ox, saying "i can’t let it go, i can’t give one inch or one ounce — it is my burden."

we say that it is everyone’s burden. you think that just because you created this problem that we will not collaborate with you to solve it? no. you need us. you need our perspective and guidance because you are lost in the near-sightedness of the brief timeline of your lives and your perspective. 

nature — these trees, this soil — we have a different pace. its not the manufactured synthesis of car horns and concrete, but something truer. let yourself breathe it in. take a moment away from your nerves being a bundle of vigilance. not that this is fake or wrong, but there are other realities to consider and to dwell in. and you need our medicine. on your toes and the small arches of your feet, on your hands and the crown of your head. let me touch you here. this is not hyperbolic. sit with me. let me tell you a story:

a long time ago, there were no people here. we were birds and animals, forest and worms. we remember. just like you, the seeds passed on from our forebears contain all the memories of those times. we remember. the earth without you. and we know the earth with you. we don’t wish you gone or think you are a terrible scourge. we only wish for you to accept our love and in doing so to awaken to what it can be like to actually be here.

let each tiny growth and frond of my bough touch your sorrow and disconnection. let us pull you back down into this earth body. breathe in this pungent smell in your nose and know that it is here for you.

when you breathe in with me, you will find that a different kind of wisdom takes root inside of your body, a new perspective. a perspective that you need.

what is your urgency? can you still take clear and decisive action from a place of calm? yes. you can. you can let yourself be helped and loved through it.

when you do

let these boughs penetrate your physical barriers, reach into your shoulders and down your back, you’ll see that we will pull out that noise to leave you with a kernel of what’s true. and that will reach down to the earth, planted, in a seed, watered, nourished. let us help you. filter it from you. hold you. we are here. 

OUR WORK STARTS WITH BELIEVING EACH OTHER ::: TRANSMISSION TUESDAY:

**CW :: this is a special transmission that is written, with love, for white feminists and acknowledges + articulates the way white supremacist thought is engrained in white people**

Believing black people is like believing women. We live in a country that is geared to minimize and discount the pain of people of color and black people specifically. So when we ‘wait for the facts or the evidence’ while black community is saying ‘this is what happened’, how is that different from the white supremacist men who do the same for women? 

Do we believe that the legal system and the media do not take women seriously? Absolutely. So we believe them, the women, instead of what the courts or the media or the president tell us. Do we believe that the justice system fails black people at every turn? Absolutely. So we believe black people. When they talk about their experience.

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Can we sit with the fact that white history has taught us to not believe black people? That the thoughts that have been passed down from slavery and Jim Crowe – the lies that our ancestors constructed about black people to justify black enslavement and subjugation – are still present in our unconscious thoughts? Passed down like bad genes through our family lines, impacting our beliefs? Yes. And we can say —  these thoughts are there. They are not my thoughts. I do not choose them. I choose to hear these thoughts, to challenge them, to determine where they came from, and to disbelieve them, to trace their arc of history back to their origin point and see that thinking black people do not know their own experience, their own pain, their own sovereignty, was a story that was told to justify enslavement. The same goes with women. The story that we don’t know what’s best for us, we are mistaken about what has happened to us are told to justify and uphold keeping us disempowered.

We believe women. So we also believe black people and indigenous people and all people of color, queer people, disabled people, immigrants, refugees, people from any and all marginalized groups. 

I think that systems of power — white supremacy, patriarchy, imperialism, etc – tremble in their boots when the reckoning comes. Brett Kavanaugh on the stand, angry, red in the face, defensive, stolen power crumbling. Not real power, but power over. 

In my mind I am juxtaposing that kind of unearned power with the righteousness and true power that I feel standing firm in my bodily autonomy, claiming the right to my body, feeling pleasure in it, freedom with it.

Everyone should get to stand here. In the fulfillment of their power. Not the kind of power that takes from anyone else, but the kind of power that is about sovereignty. Sovereignty from the fucked up systems that take our power and give it to others. Or take others' power, and give it to us. 

Releasing power that never belonged to us – that was stolen – is also an act of rebellion, resistance, empowerment and healing. Even cis white men can stand in their true power, without the cloak of patriarchy and white supremacy. This is true empowerment for all of us. And it’s an invitation. To throw down the cloak that tells anyone they can lord authority over anybody. See through that power, and pass it over in favor of what is real. 

Our work starts with believing each other. 

listen ::: TRANSMISSION✶TUESDAY

let this message fall on your ears

like soft little petals tickling you

dancing in the sun and wind

twinkling in the light, fierce clusters of power and bitterness and pleasure

 

let this message of ease and love and support

tickle the insides of your brain

let these sunlit kisses

open your eyes and head and heart

strong herbal odor that beckons and demands:

 

wake up!

there is deep magic in the life all around you

each of us plants contains abundant mystery

tight and loaded up inside of our buds

waiting to burst forth.

 

look deep

and then look deeper

and then look deeper again.

that’s right, into the very heart of you. the very heart of your stuff, your spirit magic core. 

 

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with power, we, too live in this place.

 

the world is alive

the world and all of the spirits of every plant and rock of the world are all talking to each other 

creating a current, a web

weaving, holding this together.

press your crown to us 

and listen.

yes we are here to help but also here to let the magic burst forth

what is deep inside of you is also deep inside of us

you call things mundane but there is nothing mundane about the world

even the flowers that grow by the side of the road are filled with infinities 

and if you listened fully to all of their wisdom you would have no more questions about the world, you would understand everything.

our power and spirits are deep

we exist alongside of and among you as equals to you in spirit

rejoice! this world is not as boring as you think it is. if you feel trapped in the routine — 

witness us

and listen

we have so much to say

like a parent you’re annoyed with but then you realize the depth of their wisdom and experience

you may roll your eyes when we tell you that magic

— as in the depths, as in the great mystery, The Thing You Desire Most and You Cannot Speak, What you Want to Know— 

is right here. at your fingertips. whispering. present. waiting for you. not longing for you, but waiting. patiently. listen now. shut up and listen ❤️ 

<<said the aster, lovingly and playfully>> 

digest :::: TRANSMISSION✶TUESDAY

digest. let it become part of you. give yourself space to let it land and integrate, and to move through your body.

otherwise — it’s just information, a fact that stays in your head. it does you more good to let it digest, to let your body break it down and receive it. so you can do different / be different / be integrated.

meditate. take time away from your screen. journal. put attention to feeling it in a different way. let yourself incorporate instead of constantly taking in.

what would happen if we ate all the time without breaks? we wouldn’t receive any nutrients. we wouldn’t be able to process any food because our systems would be totally overloaded. but that is how sometimes we take in information when we get glued to our screens.

if we really want to HONOR that information we are taking in, we need to give it time to work its way through.

this is not a practice of bypass or avoidance. you have to give yourself time to do this as an integral step toward your action, be it relational, political. so you can do your work from the place that is centered, grounded, that is YOU. whatever your feelings are, there they are. the way forward is through those. always. even if they are ugly or uncomfortable. and if you don’t give yourself space away from the intake of information, you aren’t going to be able to discover them.

rest. digest. let yourself take in the information. notice what comes up. let yourself be uncomfortable, changed, held. give yourself space to integrate. this is an important part of any work that you do in this world. digest.

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may you be able to take space in your day, even if it is just a few minutes, to digest. it also feels very important to note that being able to take breaks to digest before taking action is a privilege that some folks do not have, so please keep this in mind with this message ❤️ 

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also  a reminder that i have a BIG SALE happening right now to fund my move to my new practice space! schedule and pay for a fall reading before 9/1 and use discount code EXPANSIONSALE for $$$ off!! badass art by @szzczz on instagram <3